Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I haven't written for nearly a year. Though I'm not here to make up for lost time, I am merely here to make up with myself.  I have not been an attentive partner.  I've neglected everything that matters; my psyche, my belief in others, but especially the belief I had in myself.  I used to be a fighter, a negotiator, my own advocate.  Now my brain is fuzzy, I trust no one and I go through my days like I'm thumbing through a boring book of fiction.
I read this wonderful work by Dr Brenne Brown on Shame.  She did an interview with Maria Shriver that sounded like she was reading Me. "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging'.   If she could actually interview me, what would I say?  Would I be able to share from my gut, a different part of me?  One that is stronger, sounds better, a clearer defined part of me that I didn't know was inside?

The thing is, Magic and Shame don't go together Magic is oil to Shame's vinegar.   I have let shame into my life, and it has worn out its welcome.  It's time to sweep that guest out of my house, as it is just does not fit with my decor!  I really do think changes happens when I let myself be open -  I just allow my whole being to be porous, soaking up the entirety of the promise or the possibility, or too-good-to-be-trueness of another. But in this phase of my life, I have not left any space or energy for me.  In other words: I've wasted so much time holding space for people and the problems they bring to me, I've nothing left for myself.
I re-read my entries and feel like they all sound the same.  The shake-up needs to happen!  I need to stop carrying the black cloud around and just leave it for Eeyore.

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