Thursday, October 27, 2016

Just over a month has passed since my last entry. I'm surrounded by friends that want the best for me; my trusty rogues, flying high in the sky.  I watch with wonder as they help me put lifes fires out and add fuel to my own joie de vivre.  Opening myself up, exposing myself to a life where the glass can and should be half full is a blessing.  Letting the glass-half-empty practice wither is so gratifying and timely.  I've come into a life where there is loads of possiblity just waiting for me.  I cannot go back to who I was.  Spirit has planned this all along.

The present scenario I'm "living" in has shown me a lot.  It has taught me that a truly cluttered life starts with a cluttered brain.  Seeing this property littered with shit is an immensely accurate portrait of what is going on in the owners brain.  I've experienced her clusterfuck of rants, and instead of spewing back with the same dark force of energy, I check myself.  I make sure my side of the road is clean, so to speak, then reply accordingly.  It really isn't all that difficult when I remove the desperation and focus on the solution.  I do not and will not function in an environment where being a bully is more important than being a compassionate human.  There is no room in my world for idiots.

Yesterday is over.  I am done with forfeiting my dreams in order to make others happy.  Living from place to place, I put my animals in jeopardy just to have them with me. Saying that I could take the best care of them was prideful, as I know they have come here on this earth to love and be loved, no matter if it's me or another lucky person.   Their next owners will fill them with a life that they deserve.  I simply couldn't do it anymore, as I was compromising my needs in order to think I was saving theirs.  If I truly love animals, it is an honor to find them a home that can care for them, be there for them, give them all that they need while also living their own life well.
It is indeed one of the most painful losses, but I have to realize my dream.  In order to realize what I've been put here for, I have to step out of the way and let my heart be heard.  I have to find me; the creative part of me that is deep within the core of my being.  I have not been honoring myself and looking at what I need to bloom.  I've just put the seed in the bottom of a hole, covering it with excuses and fears instead of enriching it with Truth, Wisdom, Positivity.

The sacrifices I made yesterday have left me completely flat emotionally, but when I see and re-read The Alchemist, I remember that the fuel I need to energize again isn't to be found in a pill, wine, negativity.  It is found when I see what lengths I went to make necessary change.  I did hella things in order to be happier, so now I have to bless the experiences leading up to this very moment I'm typing to you, dear journal, and see what is next with fervor and excitiement, not jumbled nerves and crying.  I have see my tears in different categories: it is greatly healing to cry when there is grief, loss, pain.  There is a time and a place to share these things, and I must get a better handle on my floodgate of tears shed at the drop of a pin!  There are the tears of excitement, where your face is blissfully hurting from realizing your goal, seeing hardwork rewarded or...reaching or pursuing your personal legend.  The tears that are the most disturbing and run out of every pore of me at any given moment are the tears of forecasted fear.   I call it that because they futurize the unknown horizon and think the worst is about to happen.  I mean, I have lived in allllllll kinds of precarious scenarios - you would think that these prepare me to receive Any thing without being fearful.  There is a time and a limit the Universe allows for upset and fear.  It is at those times where I am not supporting my calling and trying to control my environment.  I came here to realize something my parents did not.  I came here to be of service, to be happy, to make others light shine makes mine shine greater.  It is my time..

Monday, October 24, 2016

Sept 13 - 2016

I'm sitting here in the cold draft of a nightmare soon-to-be over.  The air is as thick as the thieves while vultures circle overhead,waiting for my departure.  The vultures I speak of  can't help their narcissism.  They were surely born with a penchant for stealing souls, corralling their victims into their bottomless well to draw from when they needed power.  I am not a victim.  I am light, I am Presence, I have a soul that is bound with chords of strength and grace.  I am captivated by a nack for survivng - surprised, but not surprised, by every feat of compassion beyond measure I've endured.  I will beat her vampire sucking spirit to the ground with my courage and grace.  I am Leah Morrah.

The life she took was merciless.  A Sensless act of irresponsibility, which in some cultures, she would be killed for killing.  Some cultures would muzzle the perpitrator.  I would like to hold the vision of both the deadly dog and it's merciless owner to be muzzled, but again...I,m on an energy saving spree, not an energy mindfuck.   My boy didn't ask for anything but love and time in the sun.  There was no reason for him to die, as he was the epitome of all Things Beautiful in this World. But what if it's a message of something greater? What if the gods were protecting him from something much worse?  What could Be worse, I guess, would take an unnescessary shit load of energy I need to preserve in a bottle; a jar for emotional emergencies only.  To waste time and convert energy molecules into sad ones is just not practical.  I am a rounded emotional being tying to fit myself in a squared practical hole.  ouch.

I Know I have angels watching over me.  Mark the Mighty swooping in and saving the day ! ... he definitely needs a cape :)  A little Indian woman, Rekha, showing me ways to channel my strength, inviting me to festivals celebrating Life. The simple beauty of a small Hindu temple.   G & I swaying to words we can't read or pronounce, but understood just the same.   The music may be in a foreign tongue, but still felt and recognized as Spirit moving through us.   A message from Spirit to grab what Is and run from what Is Not.  

If I can continue to successfully peel these layers of fear from my being, all will be revealed.  I've been bathing in a sea of victim this and worry that for years.  Now is the time to get naked.  Now is the time for my true form to take root.  Now is the time for Love as strong as steel and as smooth as silk to envelope my naked body and clothe it in robes rich in wisdom and purpose.  This is my time.

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