Sunday, September 26, 2010

Get it Now

After a week of simulating My Life as a Pin Cushion, I come to my blog half-cheeked, but ready to heal.  I spent a few days at MD Anderson Cancer Center, a highly acclaimed research mecca, where I went to find answers to one puzzle, but solved another. It was like going to the grocery store because you ran out of bread, but came back with everything but.
At the suggestion of a dear friend, I made the quest to Houston in search of finding out why I tick with Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia.  This is a funky B-cell Lymphoma that entered my life some 8 years ago, which started a challenging and life-altering chapter I have yet to finish.   I  have since discovered how to tick; how to act with cancer in a world that can hardly say the words toilet paper or tampons without getting ruffled.  Fighting cancer is a huge elephant in a room only meant for pigeons.  It doesn't belong there.  Nobody is entirely ready to invite that big elephant in their space, as it is big, stinky, and threatens to mess up their spotless sitting room. We live in a society that yearns for perfection, running from reality while sporting fake tans and maxed out Visa bills. Generally, people are more comfortable hearing about the weather or the results of a college football game than how you really feel. I've learned there is a time and place for full disclosure; you can't tell just anybody you've got cancer.  If you do, you are the ever present oil to their vinegar.
This disease is slowly teaching me what I need to live honestly.  I have thrown out the identity I had while I was married.    I tossed out that victim nonsense, as no one wants to be around weakness for too long.  This new found power, though, this Free to Be Me stuff, is hard to tame at times.  I've reeled this big fish out of water, and sometimes I can/t control my new truth, and that fish , is flailing all over the damn beach   I'm finding when I assert myself in one situation, that doesn't necessarily give me grounds to be omnipotent in all situations.  I just have to learn to be careful what I wish for, because, as the chorus can now join in, I just might get it.

I asked for a life where I didn't have to hide who I was. I asked for a way to live without being forced to jump when someone told me to.I can't get what I want it; it doesn't work that way.   Like Mick Jagger said,   You cant always get what you want/ You get what you need.  In living with cancer, that is my mantra.   Life with cancer has taught me that if you want something, you must be patient. If you need something, well, you must be more patient.    If I want answers to this cancer puzzles, I have to be patient and diligent enough to research and question until I have the answers.  In needing true, undiluted, unadulterated love, I must also be patient and hone the love I find, treating it like a treasure instead of a trophy.  A loving relationship is not this incredibly perfect seashell you find on the beach.  Love is like a dirty shell; that cool little treasure you found that has so much potential.  If this part moved here, that part moved there...perfection in the making.  You have to understand that it will take time be that perfect shell.  You have to understand that it will take time to allow the glue to dry and the pieces fit.
To expect love be exactly like you want when you want it is like asking for the sun to be the moon. It won't happen.  If you want love like you want it when you want it, you might as well just date your cell phone or your dvr.  I'm not some show you can program to love you when you want it.  I can't be re-booted due to technical difficulties. The advancements in technology have taught us to Want it Now.  Society is being driven to want it all Now.  Technology has groomed us for wanting things quicker, faster, when we want to, we can click the button or enter the code and It will happen..From what I can see, I don't have a  send or delete button on my person anywhere, so can you please stop trying to click me into what you want??
Just because someone feels like sick and doesn't act all peppy on a first date shouldn't be grounds to terminate  If two people truly want to build a foundation, one should be understanding if the other has gone through hell, doesn't feel good, is emotional over a trying day and doesn't feel like jumping into the arms of someone they just basically met, and get carried off into the sunset. Even in the movies nowadays, a movie that jumps into the happy ending before the plot develops is surely to end up on the editors floor.  You've got to build the bridge before you can walk on it.  

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