Sunday, July 8, 2012

Eat your Broccoli

I remember when I meditated for the first time.  It reminded me of the first time I prayed back in my childhood. I was at this Youth function at some hotel.  Yes, it took me That long to figure out what prayer was!  My childhood was force fed Religion kinda like a vegetarian would be fed a cow; stuffed in my face, dismissing my stance as an individual and Made to look at my seemingly heathen ways as a person of only 9.  How the heck could I be that bad at 12?  Did I rob a bank or con a con in Paper Moon??  I'm pretty sure that was a movie, and I secretly hoped to god that the life I had was a movie too.  But there I was, sitting amongst all these people staring at my heathen ways. tsk tsk.
Fast forward to my meditative state in the confines of my living room.  Thinking the right placement was East, to get the best exposure (or was it blessing?) from the Sun.  Even though my form wasn't all that Zen, and maybe I was facing a little westerly from the correct Northern Exposure, I felt deep in my heart that all I needed to do was close my eyes and breathe deeply.  In and out.  In with wisdom, out goes the pain.  In with enlightenment, out with the indecision.  I kept this up for quite some time, and slowly focused on Not focusing.  Slowly but surely the clarity and awareness came.  Not like a thunderbolt, but just this Peace that said "Go There".  "Do This".  It was a gentle nudge to shift awareness to something that suited my character better, fed my passion more suitably.  After sitting there with my focus only on the Nothing my soul needed in order to really see my true vision, slowly the background of stillness and light took over the jibber-jabber of my inner critic.  What became of this first Sit was monumental.  For in those 20 minutes of calm, I realized my path was to get  back to my roots and teach people about beauty again.  Show women how to recreate their wheel and feel good about themselves.  My eyes opened, my feet moved, and I started to set the stage of my vision.  I set out to become an Artist once again.
Now I sit here at my beloved blog, ready to recreate My wheel.  Something has again shifted in me, and I'm ready to Learn more, Do more, Become more.
I am slowly learning that those wicked insults and condemnation of my art as a child was purely Sickness and jealousy.  I'm done trying to fix a mother that was clearly broken and angry at the world for what became of her.  God put me here to do beautiful things, to show people how beautiful they really are.  That is my purpose.  That is my Gift. 

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