Monday, August 31, 2009

3rd step

I forged this journey thinking I would become intuitive overnight and clean up my
act -yesterday. That hasn't been the case, but what I am becoming more acutely aware of, is that when someone wants to blame me for their own shortcomings, I don't have to own it. I can give it back, even if it means potentially losing that person to their own egocentricities. ( I know I just blended Eccentricities with Ego - because after all, aren't our quirky traits and isms what fuels the Ego?) I've always been one to point out how not to lose your Power over a situation, but when it comes to taking my own advice, for some reason I cannot decipher the Crazy Cantonese language in my head. I did begin this entry hyping up my epiphany, so for my "one" follower of this blog, I will take you off your seat of pins and needles. These excerpts are from an author that is much wiser than myself.
But the moment our mental or emotional independence is in question, how differently we behave. How persistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves just what we shall think and just how we shall act.
Our fight for independence is proportional to our yearning for intimacy with other people . The need to be needed sometimes overshadows our yearning to be independant and stronger than anyone else on the Planet. Walk Tall, Stand Alone, blah blah blah. Machismo should be left for Steve McQueen! Wanting someone in your life doesn't necessarily trump your cool vibrato.Oh yes, we'll weigh the pros and cons of every problem. We'll listen politely to those who would advise us, but all the decisions are to be ours alone. Nobody is going to meddle with our personal independence in such matters. Besides, we think, there is no one we can surely trust.
Whether we want a relationship with others or ourselves, trust is the key to a successful relationship. The key is - don't be an Indian Giver! Resist the temptation to take the trust
back - hello, let it go, already! Can we resist the temptation to control every angle and really let go and accept advice?
We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in. This brave philosophy, wherein each man plays God...

Sometimes our intelligence is too smart to let reality in. Whoever thinks that we should face our adversity alone is an idiot. Again...where is Steve when we need him?!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Norma Rae meets Snow White

I started out this process, this blogging idea, to help strengthen my purpose and give me a voice in my crazy life. I'm not one to air my troubles or my foibles to any passersby - until now. I want to turn my adversity into someone elses strength. To have felt all the pain of poverty, hopelessness - doing shit jobs in order to feed myself and my kids. I am truly a woman that subscribed to the Mother Teresa/Snow White/Norma Rae sort of ideology that Pain is Truth and the Truth is supposed to set us free, right?
I want to be in a position that anything I do, whether it's tend animals or work with kids on free lunch programs or educate women to fend for themselves....any of these things I want to go above my level of fear-based life and Turn it. I made a decision to turn every bloody gram of my existence over to the care of God as I understand him, and as long as He knows that I'm okay not being perfect, and he doesn't mind me saying fuck here and there, this is a good place for me to start.
When I bought into the whole Self-Help phase of my life a few years ago, I was really looking for a "something" to Save me. A book to save me? No, I was searching for a way to process pain of loss, deal with an illness I felt I had no control of, and I thought these inanimate objects could deliver me gently and give me all that I needed. I also entertained the idea of some good samaritan scooping me out of my garbage with their golden shovel. But the thing about those kinds of wishes, the shovels very quickly turn into double edged swords and pierce you in the ass . You can never truly find an easier and softer way out of your funk. If you go the direction of abandoning who you are to follow someone else's plan to fix you, you will be thrown you into an even bigger and stinkier vat of crap, dealing with their knight-in-shining-armor issues on top of your own garbage.
One can never really be saved by another. If you don't truly own your situation, taking responsiblity and blaming only you for getting yourself in your mess, it will never be yours to give away. You will forever blame the ex-spouse, family member, 8th grade geometry teacher for your problems. It stinks to admit failure. It sucks having to start again, but if you can see the situation far ahead, you have the unfortunate duty of handing this life you've built down to your children when you leave this world. If this turmoil and pain of unfinished emotional baggage is the legacy you want them to have, you may re-think Defeat and deal with your problems while you're still living.
Imagine giving your children something tangible. Each facet of your life, both good and bad, is in the form of a beautiful cashmere sweater, stinky pair of socks - individual pieces of emotional fabric. As a parent, you have the rare opportunity of putting these figurative pieces of your own Josephs' Coat in a nice unassuming hamper and hand them over to your children. When you die, your children finish the work you've started. This gives you closure and they, in turn, inherit the traits, flaws and wisdom that you instilled in them while you were living. As a parent, you make a choice to force these innocent creatures, who will soon have their own hampers of crap to deal with, to sort through and process your crap - because your business in this world is done. Who better to receive your emotional hand-me-downs than your own blood?
If I have the chance, and I do - I would take what I learned from my adversity and show them a peaceful existence of strength, courage and creativity to add to their familial resume. The last thing I want to do is have them learn that carrying a load of bad stuff is ok behavior. " did it, so I guess it's okay. " Wrong. Step Back from the Vat of Hot Lava. I think Recovery for me has nothing even to do with alcohol or food or shopping or...whatever flavor-of-the-month I'm obsessing about at the moment. These things have only been a fog that has kept me from seeing a means to an end. I have chosen to lift this veil and actually live on Life's terms. It's true and right and hard as hell, but this is what I signed up for, so Let's Go.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Very First Post in Everdom

This is my very first blog, and my very first go of Nancy As Artist, so be gentle on me!! ha No, share my stuff feels like I'm walking down the freezer aisle of a grocery store in my underwear- creepy, cold and exposed!
My new found energy could be from my recent purge of stuff from cleaning. Usually, cleaning out closets is waaay yuck for me, as I get diverted easily and by end of day, I have forgotten why I was cleaning in the first place! I've happily let go of more rubber stamps than I thought I had, and feel like the art stuff I've found unopened is kind of...embarrassing (okay so...insert blushing-weird-smiley-face now as don't know how to do that yet!) Okay enough for one post

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