Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Aha moments

I've been spending this week on the roller coaster I have constructed for myself out of pain, guilt, loss and glued it together with bad country songs.  I let it guide me up and down these emotions, going from pain and heartache to actual Bliss.  Yes, I said Bliss.  I'm continuing with my Brave Girl course, and though it's daunting to sit at my very lonely jewelry table and say hello to all the tools that haven't been touched in forever. I'm starting to take baby steps, sitting longer, actually starting to sketch again, pick up my wire again. The longer I let myself make something without harsh criticism, the more I want to sit here. I am starting to give myself permission to say  I am enough! The kids are off on holiday with their father, so instead of stew about that, I can churn and burn out some stuff.  I think I can, I think I...
I've had these bittersweet moments before, where I recite my positive mantra when my girls leave on vacation with their dad. Then I get out that familiar 2 x 4 and whack myself in the head for not being able to take them anywhere tropical or amazing.  The most colorful place they've gone with me is a white sale at Target!  I say those familiar words "I'm a great mom"  and "in 20 years they won't remember the material stuff".  I know in my heart of hearts in 20 years they won't care about that like I do right now. I'm nuts about them and they are nuts about me.  So why all this crap I throw on myself about this material chit?  Isn't this the very thing I ran from in my marriage? Then why the hells bells am I craving that for them?  Silly Girl.
So...this big shift of process is happening from sheer Connection.  Connection to my little girl that I lock deep inside, letting her come up for air now and again, but that same girl that was locked away when was a Real little girl needs to come out of the closet.   I used to hide in a closet and draw and draw and write poetry.  Now I'm envisioning myself slowly open that yellow door, crawling out of my hidden art space, and color and paint and create until my eyes pop out! 

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